ESTABLISHED
BY
TOM THOMAS
(AS GEOCITIES.COM/TBTHO) OCT. 25, 2000
JAN.
24, 2012 
PHONES & MARTIS & CABLE LOOPS
In the pre-digital age, when the idea that everyone could carry a wireless telephone was still science fiction, I started my career in Marion, Ohio.
A new article recalls some technical details and drawbacks of Communicating in the '70s. You also can listen to one example: a call from a Marion Today viewer commenting on the early stages of the Watergate affair.
JAN.
19, 2012
THE BOOK WITH ALL THE ANSWERS
Forget that old conundrum about the chicken and the egg. Today’s question: Which came first, the human or the bird?
“The bird,” replies the scientist confidently. “The fossil record tells us that birds evolved from dinosaurs roughly 150 million years ago, but it has been only a few million years since humans evolved from apes.”
“You’re lying,” retorts the creationist. “Your so-called ‘evolution’ is only Satan’s attempt to lead our children astray and make them question their faith. We know that God created everything at the same time. That time was 6,015 years ago, in October of 4004 BC.”
“But I was under the impression,” the scientist objects, “that your book of Genesis says creation lasted for a week. So God could have created birds on Tuesday and humans on Thursday, for example, or it could have been the other way around.”
“Well, I’ll have to check my Bible. I’m a little fuzzy on those details.”
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How well do you know your Bible? This month’s “100 Moons” article consists of a quiz, with 28 questions and 61 Biblically-correct answers. |
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JAN.
14, 2012
JINGLE BELLS, THE MUSIC OF LOVE
“When Christmas is over, we stop singing Christmas carols,” I noted on this website eight years ago. “But why must secular carols be suspended as well? Why must we take down our illuminated decorations?”
“December is relatively mild,” I noted back then. (It was especially mild this winter. We had a few snow squalls and flurries, but not until yesterday was there so much as an inch of snow on my sidewalk.)
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I continued, “More so than in December, we need songs and lights and happy traditions to keep us going through the next four dark months: the bitter cold of January, the snows of February, the storms of March, the lingering frosts of April. We should sing about sleigh rides and snowmen and winter wonderlands when our frozen spirits most need a lift.” That time is now! We need to be reminded that blizzards can represent fun, not merely travel headaches. (At right, I have fun in January 1956.) |
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Which “Christmas carols” should we still be singing? Not those that celebrate the baby in the manger, of course, nor Santa in his workshop nor halls being decked for the new year. So what is left? Mainly songs about sweethearts cuddling. Here’s a medley.
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Now
the ground is white.
Jingle,
bells! Jingle, bells! |
Our cheeks are nice and rosy,
And comfy-cozy
Are we.
We're snuggled up together
Like two birds of a feather
Would be.Let's take that road before us
And sing a chorus
Or two.
Come on! It's lovely weather
For a sleigh ride together
With you.
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Dashing
through the snow |
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(I
learned this version |
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Gone away is the bluebird.
Here to stay is a new bird.
He sings a love song
As we go along
Walking in a winter wonderland.In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown.
He'll say: Are you married? We'll say: No, man;
But you can do the job when you're in town.Later on we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire,
To face unafraid
The plans that we've made,
Walking in a winter wonderland.
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Oh,
the weather outside is frightful,
It
doesn't show signs of stopping,
When we finally say good night,
The
fire is slowly dying |
These
clearly aren’t Christmas carols. What should we
call them?
Well, as soon as Santa departed, the shopkeepers immediately turned their attention to encouraging us to buy+buy+buy for the next big day, February 14. Valentine’s Day decorations went up in all our retail establishments.
I submit that lyric celebrations of winter romance should henceforth be sung not in the autumn months of November and December but rather in the winter months of January and February. And they should be known as “Valentine carols.”
JAN.
12, 2012
CITY OF CHAMPIONS
Pittsburgh sports fans are used to winning, but they haven’t had a lot to cheer about during the last three weeks.
The Steelers — 2009 champions of the National Football League (and 2011 runners-up) — were eliminated in the first round of the 2012 playoffs by the 8-8 Broncos.
The Penguins — 2009 champions of the National Hockey League — have scored a total of only six goals in their last six games and have lost them all.
The Pitt men’s basketball team — 2011 champions of the Big East regular season — fell to 0-4 in the conference last night with their fifth straight loss. In that game, the Panthers missed 28 of their 32 first-half shots (a 12.5% shooting percentage) and finished with only 39 points (their lowest total at home since the 1949-50 season).
Also, the Pitt football team was blown out in its bowl game.
Since Christmas, these four teams have rewarded their fans with a combined record of 2 wins, 12 losses.
JAN.
9, 2012
DO POORLY ON THE TESTS!
Sometimes, as in “Socrates and Leadfoot” or “It’s in the Bible” or the conversation about bowl games just below, I like to cast my essays in the form of a dialogue between a naïve person and another who has a bit more information. Rarely does the naïve person win the argument. But the tables may be turned in my latest article, Give to the Rich.
JAN.
3, 2012
REMEMBER THE VALERO ALAMO BOWL
When I was young, Sonny, we only had four bowl games. All on New Year’s Day.
There are a lot more now, Daddy. Six of them are still played on New Year’s Day, which this year was January 2nd —
I don’t understand that, either. Something about Leap Year, I guess.
— but before that, in the last two weeks of December, we had 20 other bowls.
A total of 26 bowl games. Too many! But today is January 3rd. At least I think so; it’s not still New Year’s Day, is it?
No.
Then the bowl season should be over.
Not by a long shot. We have another half-dozen left, one almost every night for the next week.
Football after dark! That’s something else I don’t like. College football should be played on Saturday afternoons, in the sunshine.
Well, one of those six is actually scheduled for this Saturday afternoon. But the other five are in prime time. Better TV ratings, you know.
Yeah, I know. Well, they played the Rose Bowl yesterday. New Year’s Day, January 2nd. What’s left?
Tonight we'll have the Allstate Sugar Bowl. Tomorrow is the Discover Orange Bowl. Then there’s no game on Thursday —
Hold on. The Discover Orange Bowl? What’s a “discover orange”?
Nothing. The game is actually the Orange Bowl, sponsored by Discover. You remember the Orange Bowl, don’t you, Daddy?
Yes, they played it in my day. They played a Sugar Bowl game, too, but it wasn’t named after Allstate Sugar. I didn’t know Allstate sold sugar.
They don’t. They sell insurance.
Then why isn’t it the Allstate Insurance Bowl?
Because it’s the Sugar Bowl. They just stuck the sponsor’s name on the front, Allstate.
Humpf. So what’s scheduled this weekend?
On Friday we have the AT&T Cotton Bowl —
Brought to us by AT&T Cotton. I guess all these newfangled cell phones made AT&T’s copper wires obsolete and drove them into dry goods, huh?
Now you’re just being silly, Daddy.
Yes, I am. I’m familiar with the Cotton Bowl. It was around in my day. And I know what AT&T is: American Telephone and Telegraph. They don’t do much telegraphing any more, but I guess they can sponsor football.
Then the following afternoon —
Wait a minute. Didn't Penn State play in the Cotton Bowl already? That was one of those six games yesterday, wasn't it?
Penn State played at the old Cotton Bowl Stadium, but the game was called the TicketCity Bowl. The game on Friday is at Cowboys Stadium, and that's the actual AT&T Cotton Bowl.
I give up.
But there's more. On Saturday, down in Alabama, we have the BBVA Compass Bowl.
Never heard of it.
It used to be the PapaJohns.com Bowl, but now it’s the BBVA Compass Bowl.
A bunch of letters. BVD, you say?
No, BBVA Compass.
Like a Boy Scout’s compass?
No.
Or a compass for drawing circles?
Not that, either. Compass is the name of a bank. The BB part stands for the Bank of Bilbao.
Bill who?
Bilbao. It’s the tenth largest city in Spain, Daddy.
We have to get Europeans to sponsor our football now? I thought they liked soccer instead.
The bank has been buying up other banks, including Compass here in this country. Some of its acquisitions are represented by the V and the A. The “V” stands for Biscay; don’t ask. Anyway, the company is now called BBVA Compass.
Humpf. I can’t keep up with all this.
Next, on Sunday night they’ll play the GoDaddy.com Bowl.
Good idea. It’s time for me to go.
DEC.
31, 2011
ON INCREDULITY
In sports, as in life, sometimes an unusual event occurs. But overenthusiastic reporters often can’t believe it.
“That was an unbelievable catch!” What? You don’t think he actually caught the ball? Was it some sort of magician’s sleight-of-hand trick?
“They’re behind by ten; if they manage to win, it would be incredible.” What? You’ll refuse to accept the result because of its alleged impossibility?
Extraordinary catches and comebacks might be rare, but we shouldn’t doubt that they can and do happen. We can call them “remarkable.” But “unbelievable”? “Incredible”? I’d reserve those terms for events that are truly beyond belief.
What might those events be? Well, baseball announcer Jerry Coleman once described an attempted catch by Dave Winfield in which he accidentally decapitated himself. “Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall, and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres.”
Or for another example, suppose a sportscaster describes the quarterback impaling the football on the point of a javelin, sprouting wings like an angel, flying downfield at an altitude of 20 feet, and using the spear to deliver the ball to a receiver in the end zone. I might consider that unbelievable.
DEC.
26, 2011
LOOK OUT, ON THE FEAST OF STEPHEN
Hello, young lovers! It's time to send in the clowns and make someone happy. We must climb every mountain, people!
That is to say, the fourth and final quarter of my three-quarter-hour piano concert from 1978 is now available, at the end of this article. It's my Boxing Day gift to you.
DEC.
23, 2011
HOLIDAY CHEERS
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Congratulations to Debbie Honkus, who last weekend in New York became the first woman inducted into the Sports Broadcasting Hall of Fame. She’s pictured here with her husband Michael. Click the photo for George Guido's report in our local newspaper. Deb was one of my fellow employees at TCS some 30 years ago. She stayed on when many of the TCS assets were purchased by NEP and now is NEP’s chief executive officer. Here is her story, quoting several other people with whom I’ve worked (John Roché, Dave Mazza, Eric Thomas). |
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On this website, I’ve mentioned Deb briefly here and here. And I’ve mentioned George Guido here and here. |
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Also, I pass along Christmas greetings from the president of my alma mater, Marvin “Kris Kringle” Krislov! Click the picture for a link to the YouTube video. You’ll be rewarded with wintry scenes of Oberlin College, ten bassoons swinging out on a holiday tune, and much more.
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In the “remix” of the video, I also discovered a few frames of old film from my era at the college radio station, WOBC. I added an image to this article. |
DEC.
21, 2011
ONE YEAR LEFT
“There will be a great disaster next week!”
Really?
“The end of the world! It's coming, a week from Sunday!”
So soon?
“I have proof!”
You do?
“Look at this calendar! After Saturday, December 31, the next page is blank!”
So what?
“There’s no Sunday! It’s the end of days! We’re doomed!”
Silly, on Sunday we’ll simply start a new year. Look, I bought a 2012 calendar just last week. See here? Sunday, January 1, 2012. Monday, January 2. And so on.
“Oh. —Well, forget about that. But there definitely will be a great disaster one year from today!”
One year from today, huh?
“It will be the end of the world! I have proof!”
What proof?
“Look at the Mayan calendar! Scholars have figured it out. According to the Mayan Long Count, the thirteenth b'ak'tun of the current era will end on December 21, 2012. And that will be the end of civilization! We’re doomed!”
Silly, the Mayans never said there won’t be a fourteenth b'ak'tun. We’ll just start a new period of another 5,126 years. As Sean Sturgeon writes,
The Mayan Long Count calendar is built in great long ages and the last one they really bothered with just happens to end (maybe) in December of 2012. They never got any further because they were too busy having their culture wiped out.
All such numerology is false; even if nature could care about our days and years, it would not. Every human calendar is just that — human — and no more predicts the end of planets, stars and civilizations than the lyrics to “MacArthur Park.”
We shouldn’t worry that the sun will explode or tidal waves will wash over the Himalayas. However, we should worry that fanatics, in their misguided religious belief that Armageddon is at hand and there will be no 2013, may take reckless actions in 2012 that will destroy civilization.
There may never be an apocalypse. If it does come, it will also be a human event — humans being killed by humans who, in the words of PZ Myers, “really believe in an apocalyptic messiah and are wishing the world would end in a catastrophe before they die.”
DEC.
16, 2011
SUSPICIOUS CHARACTER INVADES HOME
The uninvited visitor in his dirty coat was much smaller than you and I, old and fat, like Danny DeVito. He was yelling out strange names as he charged toward the house in his toy-like vehicle.
The eyewitness report clearly describes his small size and unkempt appearance, but we ignore it because we have a different picture in our minds.
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How could we so casually dismiss the original account? That’s the question in this month’s “100 Moons” article. |
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DEC.
12, 2011
POETIZING
I have two works of rhyme to offer you today, for what they're worth.
One is whimsical, old, original with me. It’s called On Your Wooden Anniversary.
The other is political, new, a parody of a Dylan song from the sixties. The title is It Ain’t Us, Babe.
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DEC.
10, 2011 About 55 years ago, I was visiting my grandparents in Kentucky when I saw a strange object like this in the bathroom. Upon inquiry, I learned it was my grandfather’s electric shaver. Almost all other men shaved with Gillette razor blades, but H.F. Thomas explained that because he had a skin condition, he had been advised to use this newfangled Norelco rotary-blade device from Holland. |
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A few years after that, when I became old enough, my father showed me the standard shaving procedure — the one that H.F. had taught him when he was a boy. I had to fill the bathroom sink with hot water, wash my face, smear my face with shaving cream, scrape the cream and the whiskers off with a razor, then remove the remaining cream from my face and neck and shirt. Finally, I had to stop the bleeding from numerous small cuts with the momentarily painful application of a styptic pencil.
I
was dissatisfied with this messy ritual and asked if I could try a
Norelco like my grandfather’s.
This was much better: no water or foam required, no washcloth, no towel, no cleaning up afterwards, and never a single cut. Shaving required only about one minute instead of five.
I’ve been a loyal Norelco user ever since. My previous model having slowed down and lost battery capacity over the years, this week I bought a new 8240XL. I recommend it without reservation.
DEC.
5, 2011
DOING AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE FOR US
Last year my local newspaper endorsed a gubernatorial candidate. He’s been in office for 11 months now. Perhaps having second thoughts, the paper has been editorializing against some of his wrongheaded actions and inactions. I join them in venting my Regrets about the Governor.
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DEC.
2, 2011 The article on this website that has generated the most e-mail response is the one I wrote nearly ten years ago about Ohio Tax Stamps. Now it’s been reprinted on page 3 of the December edition of the Galion Historian. That’s a newsletter published quarterly by the Galion Historical Society. Galion is a small Ohio city located 35 miles northeast of the town where I grew up.
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editor, Mike Hocker, recently received a pad of these stamps
(pictured at right below) as a collectible item from a friend. |
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I readily agreed. “Of course, I’m not a historian,” I disclaimed. “I'm just a guy who remembered handling these stamps and looked up the date when Ohio's sales tax was enacted. I didn't interview any state legislators from the 1930s, so I don't know for sure why they decided to issue these receipts and to redeem them for a fraction of their face value. But I think I've surmised correctly that it was a way to encourage compliance with the tax law.” As I noted when I referenced the article here a year ago, “Folks who still have some of these stamps wonder whether they're worth anything to collectors. (I don't know anything about that.)” |
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DEC.
1, 2011
TWO OUT OF EIGHT AIN'T BAD
I work on sports telecasts, but not often at major events. I’ve never done a Super Bowl or a World Series, for example. And I’m actually happier working minor events like a Friday-night high school football game. The pay rate is the same, and there’s much less pressure.
So I was surprised to read this column from the Los Angeles Times, in which Mike DiGiovanna lists eight of the Biggest Upsets in Sports History. I was actually on the broadcast crew for 25% of them! Namely, yours truly worked Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson in 1990 and Appalachian State over Michigan in 2007. That’s more than my share.
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