Snidely Tweeting 1

On his Twitter feed, he wrote the words you’ll see below in Twitter blue. However, the introduction and occasional interruptions you will see in red are actually coming from me — T. Buckingham Thomas, the host of this here website — acting as a ghost writer for Mr. Snider.

Let’s try to keep that straight, now, shall we? Red is me being Eric, and blue is Eric being Eric. Okay?

Hello! And welcome to “Snidely Tweeting.” I’m your host, Eric D. Snider.

Having grown up in California and colleged in Utah, I now live in PDX. That would be Portland, Oregon, where I am a freelance movie reviewer.

I am currently available for hire. I would like to emphasize that point. Is anyone in the market for cinema commentary? I’m on the Twitter as @EricDSnider.

Many of my tweets are addressed to my fellow movie critics and journalists and bloggers. We exchange movie comments and movie jokes about the movie reviewing industry.

But it’s not all shop talk. And somebody named T. Buckingham Thomas has been eavesdropping!

It all started in 1997, when I was a student at BYU and began writing a humor column on general topics. There are 692 “Snide Remarks” columns archived here. But, as you’ll notice, I haven’t cranked one out since last October.

In the absence of any new “Snide Remarks” from me, Mr. Buckingham Thomas (if that is really his name) has endeavored to compensate for my negligence by preserving parts of my general-interest twittering.

He has tried to edit these fragments together into something resembling a rambling article. He has failed completely, of course. But here’s the summer edition anyhow.

Twitter on Saturdays is not the place for me: hangover reports, then context-free sports yelling (“Great catch!!”), then SNL live-tweets. (A friendly reminder that without a hashtag or other context-giving detail, tweets that just say "Whoa!" or "Wow!" make you look insane.)

After about two back-and-forths on Twitter, I lose interest. It's not a “conversation” medium for me. Nothing personal, I promise.

[abrasive, snarky, jerky tweets] ... [woe-is-me tweet about people thinking I'm an abrasive, snarky jerk] ... [repeat cycle]

I got fired from a newspaper job in 2003. I can't even imagine how much sooner I'd have been fired if I'd had Twitter then.

Seeing politicians learn that tweeting allows people to call you out on your nonsense makes me smile. "I was just kidding!" = "I was serious, but then you called me on it."

Ken Jennings observed, “Twitter is the best way ever invented to tell jokes to thousands of people who don't like or understand jokes.” Writing a humor column for a Provo newspaper was a pretty good way too. I love many people in Utah, just not, you know, Utah.

Come visit us in Portland! We'll drive out to the coast, see the Goonies house, tour the Tillamook factory, eat a whale, etc.

And if you've seen the TV show Portlandia, you've seen Portland. (It's a documentary.)

U.S. measles cases have tripled this year. Great work, anti-vaccine crackpots! Oregon leads the nation in not vaccinating our children. We are so smrt! We are so smrt!

Amateur clown with “need $ for clown college” sign performing outside Salt & Straw. Didn't engage him. Never encourage a clown.

“And to drink?” “Coke, please.” “Pepsi OK?” “Sigh. Yeah, I guess.” VOICE OVER: “Pepsi. The second choice of a new generation.”

Some Portland-area restaurants serve neither Coke nor Pepsi but RC Cola. For reals! I assume it's all part of an elaborate prank.

UGH. Just found out my rent is going up and my comfortable 1-bdrm apt. will cost me $675 a month instead of $650. WEEP FOR ME, FRIENDS. (I do enjoy making my NY and LA friends' heads explode with talk of rent prices.)

Intersection outside my window where left-turning cars often can't see if anyone's coming. I can (and do) watch almost-accidents all day.

I never realized my hardwood floors were the exact same color as almonds until I dropped an almond on the floor and couldn't find it.

Raisins are great, they just don't belong in cookies. Always a disappointment. "Ooh, chocolate chip-- no, raisins."

Mammy's little baby loves shortnin' bread, hates being called "Mammy's little baby."

A thing you might not know about me: The walls in my apartment are totally bare. No conscious decision not to decorate; I just never did/do. It surprises people to see bare walls, but they look fine to me. Yet I do appreciate art and decor when I see it in other people's homes.

The dividing line between immaturity and adulthood: realizing that everyone isn't an idiot; you're just in a bad mood.

Ah, guy on bike riding hands-free, looking at phone, one hand blocking sun so he can see screen better. It's good to be back in Portland.

New greatest regret in life: not rushing outside to play with the SEVEN HAPPY WHITE PUPPIES ON LEASHES being walked past my apartment today.

But the animals below are not puppies. They are goats. Alison Hallett tweeted that she overheard in Portland, “A friend of mine is helping curate a new goat pasture.” Alison commented, “THIS IS NOT A JOKE. THIS IS WHAT LIFE HERE IS LIKE. PLEASE SEND HEL”

Father's Day is Sunday. Repeat, FATHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY! Cards in the mail, people! This is not a drill!

Dear people who think anything + or - three weeks of July 4 is ok for fireworks: please stop thinking that.

It turns out a "perfect game" in baseball is not what I thought it was (a game that's over in an hour).

Some people I like have been getting jobs lately. That's a nice trend! Let's have more jobs for people I like (and me).

It's a shame so many film critics lose their jobs because their bosses want to save money and not because they're bad at being film critics. Corporate strategy: 1) Fire most full-time staff. 2) Rely on freelancers. 3) Treat freelancers like burdensome afterthoughts. 4) Profit!

Some guy asked if I wanted to do some work for free — er, for "links" and "exposure." It had been a while! Nice to know I've still got it.

Hard: finding freelance gigs that pay. Even harder: finding freelance gigs that pay reliably and on time. Company delayed paying me for a month, then accidentally double-paid me. Golly, I hope it doesn't take me a whole month to send it back!!

Someone reported, “I was so hungry that I wolfed down a huge salad.” I don't think the verb "wolf" applies when it's salad. You rabbited down that salad. It is said that such deplorable table manners are “a sight that cannot be unseen.” I'm intrigued by the implication that some things CAN be unseen.

“Area Woman Disapproves of Movie She Saw 5 Minutes Of.” People who go through life looking to take umbrage will find plenty. I'm convinced people like her go to movies like this just so they can be offended, walk out, and earn righteousness points. Important truth we all must learn eventually: "Not suited to my tastes" doesn't necessarily equal "bad."

Kansas: If your "sincerely held religious beliefs" forbid you from even doing business with gays, your beliefs aren't Christian. At least, not in the sense of "following the example and teachings of Christ."

Just learned that my high school girlfriend, who later became a lesbian, is no longer a lesbian. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.

Nothing rattles my faith more than when the weather app says today's high is 88 while also saying it's currently 90.

As a believer, it's discouraging when people imply that you have to accept every word of the Bible as literal fact, or none of it. Baloney.

These wingnuts have made it so that "believing in God" = "believing in Creationism." Like that’s the litmus test. "You don't believe God literally created the world in 6 literal days? Sorry, you can't be a Christian!" That's what it boils down to!

Dear Christians trying to "prove" Creationism in a public debate: What, are there no poor people left to help? No sick to care for? Weird.

The next installment is here.