Rev. Wagner's Cake Written October 17, 2001   It was in the spring of 1965 that John Wagner, the pastor at our First United Methodist Church in Richwood, announced that he was leaving.  Rather than going to another town, he was taking a job with the regional Methodist office known as the Conference. The folks in Richwood decided to throw him a going-away party in the church basement.  My mother and her friend, choir director Eileen Mosher, picked out a song and asked me to write some new lyrics to it. John Wagner had been a popular pastor. He was a young man with red hair who used crutches due to childhood polio and had joined other ministers in going to Mississippi to demonstrate for civil rights.  (Click here for details.) He had tried to add some excitement to the beginning of our worship service one Christmas Sunday.  After the reading of the Scripture proclamation of the birth, cymbals and trumpets (never before heard in our quiet sanctuary) woke up the congregation with a fanfare that led immediately to my organ introduction to "Joy to the World."  The trumpets played in E-flat, so I played the hymn half a step higher than written, making it brighter than usual. Our pastor once got a speeding ticket.  He was one of the few people in town who played chess.  In the pulpit, he smiled a lot, nervously rubbed his face, and sometimes said "by George," an expression that struck us Ohioans as funny. I worked all of this into my parody lyrics, assigning sections to "J" and "G" and "B."  Although my memory is hazy, these probably were choir members Jon Davis and Gene Cheney and "Both."  Also, Eileen brought the lids from a couple of pots.   BOTH If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake,      Baked a cake,      Baked a cake; If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake. Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well! Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band,      Grandest band      In the land; Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band And given you a fine farewell. JON Now you led our morning worship      With conviction and with flash, But you're easier to dismiss Since you startled us one Christmas      With the cymbals' great big crash. EILEEN (pot lids) BOTH If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake,      Hired a band,      Goodness sake! If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake. Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well!   GENE If I knew you were going, I'd have "called your attention      To the announcements in      The bulletin." If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake. Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well! JON If I knew you were going, I'd have made our chess games      Wednesday night      Less of a fight; If I knew you were going, I'd have let you win And given you a fine farewell. GENE When Perry Allen asked you      If you had to pull your ear, You replied you didn't have to. But those ears now really laugh to      See you rub, instead, your hair. BOTH If I knew you were going, I'd have kept the pot,      Coffee pot,      Nice and hot; If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake. Fare thee well, fare thee well, fare thee well!   JON You'll be doing lots of driving      In your new job, so we hear; GENE We present you with this free map Showing every little speed trap      So you won't get caught this year. BOTH If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake,      Hired a band,      Goodness sake! If I knew you were going, I'd have baked a cake. Fare thee well, fare thee well, by George! When Rev. Wagner died 50 years later, I added this to my website.  Fare thee well.